ENGAGED!!!

Yes! It's true!

Gerard proposed last night while we layed in bed with Bella in between us - it was so sweet and perfect to have it just us, just our family. He had been putting me off the scent for weeks! He had gotten it 2 weeks ago but just got his hands on it last night. He said he had so many different ideas that would have to go according to plan exactly, but once he got a hold of the ring he couldn't wait to do it. He was so sneaky! I was shocked!! I didn't even hear the end of his speech when he said "Will you marry me?" because I was crying and my head was spinning! But I said, OF COURSE! I'm so excited and it still doesn't feel real. What a perfect way to get me out of my rut. I have had a serious bounce in my step and nothing could wipe the smile off my face.. All I have to do is look down at my left hand :)

I LOVE YOU GERRY!!!

Venting

Okay so, I've kind of lost sight of what this blog is meant to be. I know that it's for Bella in the future and for me to be able to look back and remember everything.. but I feel like many people have way more and complex problems than me and therefore I don't like putting anything out there.. but then I realized that maybe writing it out will help me and I shouldn't worry about what others think.. but I do.

I'm so stressed. I don't know how much more I can handle. I feel guilty when I'm thinking "Oh my goodness Bella I just need 5 minutes to myself!".. I feel terrible about that. Last night Gerard had an away game and was gone from 1pm to midnight and so I of course took care of Isabella but I also had two major tests to study for in my hardest subjects. I of course got none of it done.. I just did my best guestimations and crossed my fingers.. Now, I knew the material, but not like I could have... Seeing graduation in the near future has made me a bit of an overachiever and I wanted nothing less than an A in everything.. I mean, I want it bad.

I feel so guilty for thinking bad things when Gerard pays more attention to Bella.. how awful is that.. I guess maybe it's triggered by the fact that we have NO time together. He has so many away games.. for example, I'll alone for the entire day on saturday because he has a game 5 hours away. Now, that's not so bad because I don't have class that day or the day following, but it's still a lot to handle when I have so much on my plate. It's hard to prioritize but that's no excuse for feeling neglected because he wants to love on his daughter.. I'm sorry little girl.

I feel guilty for sometimes releasing my stress when I finally do get home because as Gerard reminded me today, home is the one place where I can be myself and relax and lean on him. The problem is, I don't sleep. And when I do sleep I wake up with this horrible stomach full of anxiety - like that feeling you get when someone scares the absolute crap out of you, except it doesn't go away and I lay awake trying to take deep breaths or going for a walk around the house. I wish I could just stay at home and be a full time mommy and be happy for the time I get to laugh and play with Bella. But instead my mind is somewhere else and I hate it. She is already growing up so fast and I'm missing out on moments I can't get back.

I'm sorry to Gerard and Bella Girl, I'll try to do better. I'll be the old me again soon, I promise. If I didn't have you Gerard, I would be lost. And if I didn't have you Isabella, I wouldn't be complete. I'm very thankful for the both of you..

A moment to brag please...

So this happened about a week ago but things got away from me so I forgot to post, but.. Gerard has been doing amazing on the team! He was named Big South Player of the Week, which means he was the best player that week out of every single person in their D1 conference which is basically the whole east coast..
THEN..

He was named MVP of their tournament to raise money for breast cancer..

AND THEN..
he was named to the national team in which only 11 players out of the entire country are chosen!! He is the only person at GWU, in the entire history of the school, to have been given that honor.

The reason for all this recognition was that he scored 4 goals and had one assist in just FOUR games.. he was on a hot streak. They have only had one game since so I'm glad I got the chance to report on his amazingness thus far.. but I just had to brag. Apparently Bella is going to be pushed into soccer with hopes that she enjoys it and I thought it would be nice for her to have something to look back on to see that her daddy was the best, because he is. He is having the most amazing senior year and I'm so proud of him.. now keep your fingers crossed that he gets invited to the MLS trials over the Christmas holiday!! I'm so proud of you Gerard! You make time to be a great dad, a great boyfriend, a great student, and a great player.. you are truly amazing and I love you.

(laugh all you want at me Gerry, I know you love it..)

Bella's First Slumber Party

So I did it. I spent the night away from Bella. Hardest thing I have EVER done. Which goes without saying, that I've had a pretty easy time so far. Anyway, Gerard had a game on Friday but was off from soccer until Monday so we took that oppertunity to have a night to ourselves.

I dropped Bella off in Charlotte with my mom and then actually had to leave and go back home.. it was that leaving part that I wasn't prepared for. I was fine on the drive over and walked in and hung out for a while. But my stomach was doing flips and turns when I realized I actually had to walk out of the door, get in the car, back out and head home, without my baby in tow. I was miserable the whole ride home, crying my eyes out while listening to happy music (to try to take my mind of off it, unsuccessfully). We both got ready to go out. We dressed up nice and I actually spent some time on my make-up. It was nice to look nice. But I turned the corner to enter our room to finish dressing and there was Gerard - kneeling on the bed and smelling Bella's PJ's that she had worn the night before. I feel deeper in love with him at that moment, it was so sweet.

We went over to a friends house and I somehow stayed awake until 2:30 when we finally came home. That scene is just not for me anymore. I missed Bella and everyone kept asking how she was and I said I couldn't talk about it because I didn't want to start crying again. I also don't enjoy drinking anymore - I had a few and just couldn't be bothered to have anymore. I guess there are just so many things that are more important that I just couldn't get in that sort of mindset. It was nice to be able to sleep in until 10:30 though. As we got closer to my moms, I had such anxiety I felt sick. I missed her so much and I couldn't get home fast enough. It was so hard for me to leave her but there were many times during Saturday when I looked at her and realized just how much I loved her. Distance really does make the heart grow fonder. ♥