Venting

Okay so, I've kind of lost sight of what this blog is meant to be. I know that it's for Bella in the future and for me to be able to look back and remember everything.. but I feel like many people have way more and complex problems than me and therefore I don't like putting anything out there.. but then I realized that maybe writing it out will help me and I shouldn't worry about what others think.. but I do.

I'm so stressed. I don't know how much more I can handle. I feel guilty when I'm thinking "Oh my goodness Bella I just need 5 minutes to myself!".. I feel terrible about that. Last night Gerard had an away game and was gone from 1pm to midnight and so I of course took care of Isabella but I also had two major tests to study for in my hardest subjects. I of course got none of it done.. I just did my best guestimations and crossed my fingers.. Now, I knew the material, but not like I could have... Seeing graduation in the near future has made me a bit of an overachiever and I wanted nothing less than an A in everything.. I mean, I want it bad.

I feel so guilty for thinking bad things when Gerard pays more attention to Bella.. how awful is that.. I guess maybe it's triggered by the fact that we have NO time together. He has so many away games.. for example, I'll alone for the entire day on saturday because he has a game 5 hours away. Now, that's not so bad because I don't have class that day or the day following, but it's still a lot to handle when I have so much on my plate. It's hard to prioritize but that's no excuse for feeling neglected because he wants to love on his daughter.. I'm sorry little girl.

I feel guilty for sometimes releasing my stress when I finally do get home because as Gerard reminded me today, home is the one place where I can be myself and relax and lean on him. The problem is, I don't sleep. And when I do sleep I wake up with this horrible stomach full of anxiety - like that feeling you get when someone scares the absolute crap out of you, except it doesn't go away and I lay awake trying to take deep breaths or going for a walk around the house. I wish I could just stay at home and be a full time mommy and be happy for the time I get to laugh and play with Bella. But instead my mind is somewhere else and I hate it. She is already growing up so fast and I'm missing out on moments I can't get back.

I'm sorry to Gerard and Bella Girl, I'll try to do better. I'll be the old me again soon, I promise. If I didn't have you Gerard, I would be lost. And if I didn't have you Isabella, I wouldn't be complete. I'm very thankful for the both of you..